Microwave popcorn sucks

Ok, this is non-gaming related, so you can just skip this post if you’re not interested. But we almost never post non-gaming related stuff and this story is, unfortunately, the big event in my life since last night. Besides, this is still my site (and Geoff’s), so perhaps you’ll afford me the occasional non game-related post.

First, some background: I almost never make microwave popcorn. The last time I made microwave popcorn was probably over 5 years ago in college. Since then, on the rare occasion that I enjoy popcorn at home I will typically make it in our Stir Crazy, which typically makes quite delicious popcorn.

A few years ago in a grab bag my fiancee and I got a DVD movie (Cinderella Man for the curious, which we still haven’t watched) along with some microwave popcorn from my parents. My parents told me that it was microwaveable “kettle corn” and was actually much better than the normal microwave popcorn. Because we had our Stir Crazy, we still never made it. It just sat in our pantry for the past few years waiting to be made. For whatever reason, last night I decided to make it for myself rather than deal with the Stir Crazy. The “Best By” date on it was August 2006, but I just figured since it was a “Best By”, it would probably just be a little stale or old tasting, similar to an old beer or soda. So, I read the instructions which said to put it in for 4 minutes on High (and specifically said NOT to use the microwave’s “Popcorn” settings). 4 minutes seemed kind of long to me, but I figured I had never made microwaveable “kettle corn” before, so maybe it just took longer than other popcorns to make. Still, I thought I better check up on it about halfway through just in case. The story continues after the jump.

So, I popped it in, set it for 4 minutes, and then went to feed our cats and read a blog entry or two in our basement before going upstairs to check on it.

And that’s when I found that acrid smoke had already FILLED our kitchen and was already making its way around the house. I rushed through the smoke to the microwave and saw what appeared to be fire. I punched some buttons (which I could barely see both because of the thickness of the smoke and the fact that I was just trying to stop coughing) and stopped the microwave. With the flames apparently gone, I opened the microwave and the terrible smoke continued to billow out.

I switched on our hood fan to its highest setting and, despite Chicago’s -2 temperatures, opened the windows in the kitchen as quickly as I could. I then realized that source of the problem was still in the room, and I took the now charred popcorn bag out of the microwave and threw it outside on our back stoop. Take a peak at what it looked like today (click for a larger version).

I also took a look at the time left on the microwave display: 2:25. It’s possible that in my scramble to turn off the microwave I hit the “Add Minute” button once, but in either case, that means that the popcorn had been in the microwave for between 1.5-2.5 minutes, typically less than any microwave popcorn usually requires.

Of course, after the smoke had cleared up a bit, the burnt popcorn smell was still pervasive. The inside of the microwave had sticky brown stuff stuck to the walls, so I sprayed the hell out of it with some multi-purpose cleaner and did my best to wipe it away. After thoroughly cleaning it out, I figured I’d keep the windows open and hood fan on for awhile and just hang out in the basement, where it smelled slightly less than the rest of the house, and just play Devil May Cry 4 for awhile. A couple hours later, I checked on the kitchen and it still smelled terrible. I decided that it was probably not worth keeping the windows open for much longer that night, since I would be going to bed soon, so I closed them up and hoped that the smell would just dissipate a bit by the next day.

I went to bed, which is upstairs from our kitchen, and struggled to sleep with the burnt popcorn smell that had very clearly made it up there as well. I woke up this morning with a headache and a sore throat, the popcorn smell still omnipresent around the house. Before I got up, Megan had tried cleaning out the microwave with a vinegar solution. It didn’t appear to help that much. Since I work from home most of the time this was a major problem for me.

I tried another vinegar-based solution that I found online which basically just ended up mixing a bad vinegar smell with the bad smoke smell, which may or may not be better than just the smoke smell. So, with my weather bar telling me it’s 10 degrees outside, for the past couple hours, Megan and I have been bunkered down in the basement with an electric heater and all of our 1st and 2nd floor windows open and all fans on their highest setting. Before closing them again, our thermostat read 42 degrees, and it still smells. We’re considering investing a few hundred dollars into an air purifier that may or may not help. If the smell doesn’t dissipate in a few more days, we may have to get someone to professional clean (and somehow deodorize) our house.

Through all this, I’m wondering what the cause of the flare up was. Was the microwave, at 1200W, simply too powerful for this popcorn? Given that it was only in for about 1.5-2.5 minutes, I’m skeptical. Even if it were too powerful, would it really set the popcorn on fire in this short amount of time? Not only that, this may be the worst burnt popcorn smell I’ve ever dealt with. In my experience with burnt microwave popcorn, it also doesn’t catch on fire like this one did. It definitely seemed like there was something different about this one.

So I’m left with the “Best By” date and wondering whether or not it would be better labeled an actual expiration date. I don’t know what they do to microwave popcorn, but I’m guessing there are all kinds of chemicals in it that ensure a satisfying flavor once popped. Is it possible that, since this was so long after this “Best By” date that somehow or another the chemicals in it deteriorated into something dangerous?

I’m not sure… but perhaps ConAgra can explain it to me after I get in touch with them about it. One thing’s for certain: I’ll never make microwave popcorn again.

If, after this epic post, people are still interested in the outcome of this, I’ll try to keep them updated. Otherwise, thanks for letting me vent here.